Meandering Update

We’re just going to traverse my mind today LOL.

I’ve been in counseling for the past year. Situations prior to COVID19 guided me to the decision to overcome my fear and distrust of counseling and it has actually been a saving grace for me during COVID19.

One of the many things I am unpacking in my sessions is dealing with anxiety and depression, my lack of self care and prioritizing everything and everyone else. There’s a ton of conversations of why this is; my tendency for the need to “be perfect”, my anxiety over needing to be liked by everyone/to please everyone, to ruffles feather without shaking the nest, having this approach of “if it doesn’t kill me I’m fine” mentality and a few other things.

But in unpacking some of this (and a plethora of other things) its becoming clear that it is not doing me any good trying to maintain this approach to life.

I’ve been thinking about both personal and professional contexts where I need to prioritize what I want, what I need, being willing to “not be liked”, or being viewed as imperfect by others that could affect access to accomplishing dreams and goals so I can be able to enjoy this life.

But it’s terrifying to consider changing and moving away from this headspace that I’ve been in since I was a child.

I’m finding that part of it is being willing to say “no” or ask for what I need for when I do say “yes”. Part of it is knowing my self-worth. Part of it is being vulnerable. Part of it is being ok with being selfish for self preservation. Part of it is surrounding myself with individuals who expect me to be human and my best not someone to please and adhere to them. Part of it is to not project my expectations of myself onto others as their expectations of me. Part of it is me being ok with making changes in my life and being ok with stepping away from people and things.

I’ve started pushing back and being clear with needs and trying to be ok when I make mistakes and breaking me out of this mind set of needing to be perfect. It’s taken some internal realignment and humility as well as some vulnerability. It’s also been frustrating people I’ve surrounded myself with in my life and relationships are being realigned. It’s been a fascinating experience so far. One that has been freeing, in some ways, but kind of stressful in others.

I’ll be honest I’m not sure where this post is going and what the ultimate point I wanted to share, but theres something that’s coming to a boil and I’m trying to manage it and figure it out and this shift in my frame of mind is shifting my perspectives and a lot of things in my life.

Yeah…this post is ending awkwardly…LOL

But its nice to lay it out and read it through to help me work through it 🙂

Thanks for meandering this random post with me!

Until next time!
Peace, Love and Pandas!