NOTE TO READERS: If a blog could be a document of unedited thoughts in real life, this is a perfect example. I didn’t edit this post but rather am putting my thoughts out there as they came to me. Enjoy the internal workings of my mind! (Or Good Luck)
So, its been a few weeks since my last post LOL. But in my defence its been an insane ride these past few months.
So much has changed since my 36 Goals post.
There have been celebrations, there has been heartbreak. There have been challenges, there have been successes. There have been opportunities, there have been set backs. There has been teaching moments, there have been lessons learned.
A lot has happened, in particular, over the past three weeks in my personal and professional life to the point where I’m just taking it day by day. Each day filled with emotional highs and emotional lows, pushing down the imposter syndrome and pushing forward the selfworth.
But as it has fortunately gone in my life, one small moment/question/action helps put everything into perspective. And tonight has been one of those moments. Earlier othis evening, I was asked to consider my why for engaging in a particular topic. As I sat pondering what my why was for a good while, I held closely the roller coaster that I’ve been experiencing lately.
Slowly, I began to think of the journey I’ve ventured on so far and began to hold the thought that through it all, I’ve leaned on the strength of my authenticity of my imperfections and hopes and sharing the lessons I’ve learned over my life journey.
To be content with who I am and just be me. It may not jive with some. It may get me that opportunity I’ve been waiting for. It may make me vulnerable. It may make me more confident. It may be different and challenging. It may help build supportive environments. It may make my journey more rocky than smooth. That my why is to support others and encourage those around me as best as I can even when I make mistakes and am imperfect with it.
Now, as I write this, I think of a previous blog post I wrote “I’m Someone’s Little Girl”. In particular, one specific story:
A wise man was taking a sunrise walk on the beach. In the distance he caught sight of a little girl who seemed to be dancing along the waves. As he got closer, he saw the little girl was picking up starfish that were washed up on the sand from the high tide and was tossing them gently back into the ocean.
“What are you doing?” the wise man asked.
“The sun is coming up and the tide is going out; if I don’t throw them in, they’ll die,” said the girl.
“But little girl, there are miles and miles of beach with starfish all along it; you can’t possibly make a difference.”
The little girl bent down, picked up another starfish, and threw it lovingly back into the ocean, past the breaking waves.
“It made a difference for that one.” she replied.
And this makes me actually think about a conversation I had with a couple of my students, Loren and Kristin, this week where I shared this same story. In which now looking back the universe was probably trying to tell me to recenter my why then, but I brushed past it.
Wow. I’m all over the place right now in these thoughts. I mean I’m also watching Hasan Minhaj’s Patriot Act, listening to a new song I just shazammed (James Morrison’s Precious Love), twiddling in Ilustrator between thoughts and trying to think about what I need to do in the office tomorrow. LOL.
But maybe it’s a good thing that I’ve had a moment of pause in order to put things into perspective and to remember some of my whys and being ok with what comes with being satisfied with being me. In the whirlwind and speed of these past few weeks I’ve somewhat forgotten my why and started to tilt into the ambitions, gossip, frustrations and desires of what ifs.
So maybe its been a good night overall to recenter and get my shit together 🙂
As a side note, I’ve restarted my Facebook Lives on Friday mornings and after just writing down these thoughts, I think I’ve begun to flip my communication styles and may now speak more succinctly on Facebook Live and my writing has become a bit chaotic. But I’ll let you make that determination 🙂
Well, no lie, I’m getting sleepy and I’m at the end of the second season of Patriot Act, so I should wrap this up.
To sum it up: This year’s journey will definitely be one for the books regardless where it ends up and I’m ok with that so long as I can stay true to who I am and to center the work of the little girl and the starfish n my professional and personal life.
Thanks for literally reading through my recentering thoughts tonight. I’m not sure if this is a fully coherent and comprehensive post, but for me it’s helped me recenter. And let me put this out that that if I ever write a dissertation it’ll be much better than this [wink wink future PhD Programs I submit applications to 😉 ]
Until next time,
Peace, Love and Pandas!